Rob Jenkins: Fat equity: The time is now

Rob Jenkins

Rob Jenkins

We hear a lot these days about equity -- gender equity, pay equity, income equity.

The basic idea, if I understand the meaning of the word "equity," is that everyone should have about the same -- in this case, the same amount of money. Obviously, we can't have some people making a lot more money than other people. That wouldn't be equitable.

But there's another kind of inequity in this country, one that I think is even worse than economic inequity. It's something we see every day, something that affects millions of Americans, and yet no one ever seems to make an issue of it, much less an attempt to do something about it.

I'm talking, of course, about weight inequity. It's just not fair that some Americans are heavier than others, and we need to reshape our policies with the idea that, one day, in the not-too-distant future, everyone will weigh about the same. This may seem like a pipe dream, but I believe it is achievable through legislation -- or, failing that, executive order.

First, the president will need to appoint a national, bi-partisan committee to determine the ideal weight. I nominate New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, filmmaker Michael Moore, radio personality Rush Limbaugh, and rapper-turned-actress Queen Latifah.

Next, Congress will need to pass laws requiring people to achieve and maintain this ideal weight, either by gaining or losing pounds. And since it's much easier to gain than to lose, the ideal will probably need to be a little higher than the current national average. It will also have to increase over the years, in order to keep up with, um, inflation.

In other words, since we obviously can't all be skinny, the only way to achieve true weight equity is for all of us to be, shall we say, hefty.

That means people who exercise excessively must be prohibited from doing so. It's not fair that they exercise and the rest of us don't. Dieting and other forms of obsessive-compulsive calorie-counting must likewise be outlawed. People who are too thin will be force-fed, if necessary, in order to bring their weight up to the federally-mandated ideal.

And where will we get the extra food? Simple. We'll take it from the "fat" people -- now defined as anyone who exceeds the ideal by more than 10 percent. Obviously, they have more food than they need, anyway. Since studies show that the poor tend to be disproportionately obese, we can start by cutting back on food stamps and free school lunch programs.

We can also install scales at grocery store counters and in restaurants and enact a strict calorie-quota system -- more for those identified as underweight, less for those identified as overweight.

Only through measures such as these can we ensure that those who live off the fat of the land will one day become, themselves, the fat of the land.

Rob Jenkins is a local freelance writer and the author of Family Man: The Art of Surviving Domestic Tranquility. E-mail Rob at rjenkinsgdp@yahoo.com, follow him on Twitter@rjenkinsgdp, and visit www.familymanthebook.com.