Evidence has been mounting lately that the so-called "Bill of Rights" -- the first 10 amendments to the Constitution of the United States -- has become not only outdated and irrelevant but perhaps positively subversive.
Apparently there are people in this country today who are not members of the government or Hollywood elite or even particularly wealthy, but who believe nonetheless that the Bill of Rights grants them, well, actual rights. This cannot go on.
Accordingly, in the interests of progress, I propose that the antiquated document known as The Bill of Rights be revised as follows:
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, except of course for the two state-sponsored religions, Humanism and Darwinism.
Congress also shall not prohibit the free exercise of religion, unless that religion is the one practiced by the overwhelming majority of Americans. Christians may not pray, exhibit their religious symbols, or express their beliefs in public, unless they are star athletes or political candidates.
Muslims shall be free to exercise their religion in any way they choose, including praying in schools, even if they don't have a test that day. This, of course, is because Islam is a religion of peace, and also because we're afraid of what might happen if we don't let them do what they want.
Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, unless that speech offends protected groups, such as homosexuals, Muslims, and Democrats; or of the press, unless the press is pursuing a story that might reflect negatively on the current administration; or the right of the people to peacefully assemble -- excepting, of course, Tea Party members and the NRA.
A well-regulated Department of Homeland Security being necessary to the security of a free Washington, D.C., the rights of certain people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. Those include presidential security details, Congressional Democrats who wish to pose as constitutionalists, members of Chicago street gangs, and mentally ill left-wing losers.
Those who may NOT keep and bear arms include decorated combat veterans, Republicans, and anyone who has ever watched "Duck Dynasty."
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, without due process, shall not be violated, except under extreme circumstances, such as when a wounded teenage bombing suspect is hiding in a speedboat. Then heavily armed police dressed in full riot gear may cordon off entire city blocks and force innocent citizens out of their homes at gunpoint.
In addition, the Internal Revenue Service is exempt from any restrictions related to due process.
I realize I haven't covered all the amendments, but that's all I have space for. I'm sure Congress and the Obama administration will get to the others later.
Meanwhile, these few minor revisions represent an excellent start toward creating the kind of just society we all desire.
Rob Jenkins is a local freelance writer and the author of Family Man: The Art of Surviving Domestic Tranquility, available at Books for Less in Buford and on Amazon. E-mail Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org or visit familymanthebook.com.