Your mother scared the daylights out of you last week.
She said she was going for a quick walk but when she didn't return three hours later, you went looking for her. You were frantic, she was confused, you were embarrassed. She has early-stage Alzheimer's and you're trying to cope but things are getting worse for her. Things are getting worse for you.
You never thought you'd have to be a parent to your parent, but here you are. In the new book "Dr. Ruth's Guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver" by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer with Pierre A. Lehu, here's some help.
It's not the job you grew up wanting but you've taken the responsibility anyhow. Being a caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's may be a burden and there may be joy in it -- but however you see it, you're not alone. Dr. Ruth says there are some 15 million people just like you, caring for a parent, partner, spouse, or relative. That amounts to over $183 billion of unpaid care each year.
That can be overwhelming.
For starters, the authors say, don't "draw lines in the sand." Remain flexible, figure out other ways to do what needs doing, and never turn down offers of help; even delegating the tiniest chores will feel like a relief. Don't even think about doing housework when you've got some precious time to yourself.
"Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, but it mustn't claim two victims," say the authors. Ignoring that fact may lead to caregiver burn-out.
Recognize that your feelings are probably going haywire. You may have crushing guilt, anger, or sadness. You might feel lonely, shameful, or depressed. Maybe you're filled with grief.
Don't repress those feelings; instead, manage them by preparing for or deflecting them. Preparing early for other inevitabilities will help, too.
Learn to understand Alzheimer's and its stages, as well as possible treatments. Teach children and grandchildren to adapt, and learn how to get siblings to pitch in. Find a good lawyer. Know how to deal with combativeness, frustration, and when it's time to seek new accommodations.
Let's lay this on the table: "Dr. Ruth's Guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver" includes information on sex. You'd be disappointed if it didn't, wouldn't you?
The thing is, that's not the focus in this fine book.
With extreme sensitivity, authors Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Pierre Lehu offer comfort and direction for caregivers who want to avoid being overwhelmed by their situations.
This book touches on a lot of aspects on both sides: there's personal and practical info for caregivers, as well as insight on how the patient might be feeling. I liked the individual stories included here, and the authors' advice seems sound -- even when the advice is to ask a professional.
Overall, this is one of those books you hope you'll never need, but you'll be glad you've got it if you do. For Boomers, elders, and caregivers now and in the (possible) future, "Dr. Ruth's Guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver" sheds a lot of light.
"Dr. Ruth's Guide for the Alzheimer's Caregiver," by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer with Pierre A. Lehu, copyright 2012 by Quill Driver Books, is 188 pages and sells $16.95.
Contact book reviewer Terri Schlichenmeyer at www.bookwormsez.com.