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Jack Simpson: Head for the belfry

Jack Simpson

Jack Simpson

In this column I could write about how to reinvent the wheel, but I might lose readers not interested in the topic. So, I've collected a few remarks others have found amusing and maybe even helpful in daily living.

-- Have you been eating in a restaurant and ordered sweet tea? The waitress brings it and sits it on the table in front of you. "Thank you" is your response. Her answer is "No problem." You wonder, "Whatever happened to you are welcome," huh?

-- Before the election, politicians seem to be everywhere. They are on the phone, at public events, in parades and in your face every chance they get.

Some incumbents have collected contributions from favorite lobbyists, accepted sports tickets, been wined and dined by special interests and yet still ask ordinary citizens for their vote. The unenlightened voters will probably give their support just as in the past. Friends, be careful in your choices for elected office.

-- Reba says three things will help you succeed in life. A wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone!

-- A soccer mom is off to the grocery store. "Son, anything I can get you?" she asks. He wants nuts. She wants to know -- peanuts, walnuts or pecans? He answers, "Donuts."

-- Sports fans know baseball has "ups" and football has "downs." Baseball players wear caps and football players wear helmets. Baseball is played on a diamond, football in a stadium. Nothing truly profound about this. It is just interesting trivia.

-- These were in Ronald Reagan's notes:

There are three kinds of lies. Lies, damned lies, and statistics.

A simple diet -- if it tastes good, spit it out.

Some people are so indecisive their favorite color is plaid.

Some people want to check government spending. Other people want to spend government checks.

-- The other day a fellow went to a bowling alley and walked into a tournament called "Odor Eaters Open." How was that name chosen? Probably from all those rental shoes behind the front counter.

-- More from Ronald Reagan's notes:

People who tell you never to let the little things bother you never tried sleeping with a mosquito in the room.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but it is messier.

Never start an argument with a woman when she's tired -- or when she's rested.

-- Comedian George Carlin had a heap of interesting observations. One I recall described a man "going like a bat out of Hell."

George wanted to know why a bat would want to leave hell. Hell seemed kinda like a place a bat might like. To a bat, Hell might be like heaven.

And, then, George wants to know why is a bat in Hell anyway -- usually he's in a belfry. Come to think of it, why would a bat split his time between two such opposite environments, Hell and a belfry? Maybe the bat wants to leave Hell because he is past due in the belfry.

With the present state of the nation, maybe a lot of people feel like they are living in Hell and would welcome change and a chance to move to the belfry. Become informed, have a little chuckle, get out to vote and find your own belfry.Jack Simpson is a former educator, veteran, author, and a law enforcement officer. His column appears each Friday.