It's February and I am officially giving up on the New Year's resolutions my lovely wife Lisa imposed on me. That is correct. My wife made resolutions for me, once she realized I had no intentions of making any of my own. It's funny. When we got married she insisted that she had found the perfect man, but she has been trying her hardest to change me ever since.But as I have said many times before, since Lisa controls most of the money and all of the sex in my life, I usually try to do what she asks, and this year's resolution was no different. She wanted me to read the Bible from cover to cover -- something I have done on a number of occasions -- and "this time" she wanted me to emulate the men I read about.
I promised to give it my very best shot -- and I did. The first Saturday of 2012 found me in the "reading room," revisiting the story of Adam and Eve. I had just gotten out of the shower and was feeling a bit playful, so I ran through the house shouting, "I am naked and without shame!"
Honest, y'all. I didn't know the women's missionary circle was having cake and coffee in the living room. I didn't! I would have put on a fig leaf if I had known. I promise.
As soon as I got Lisa calmed down about that unfortunate incident, I read the story about Noah and the flood. She told me to emulate the men in the Bible. I went out and bought a boat.
It's a nice one, too. I don't know how many cubits long or tall it is but it has a 150 horsepower Johnson outboard motor that runs like a sewing machine. It won't hold two of every animal, but will hold as many fish as I'll ever be able to catch in a day.
I read the story about Sodom and Gomorrah next. The closest place to those towns I could find to visit was Cheshire Bridge Road, in Atlanta. After spending an evening on Cheshire Bridge Road, I think God owes Sodom and Gomorrah a second chance.
Lisa was so upset about my boat purchase that I took on a short weekend trip to the beach to calm her down. I left my new boat at home. I had read about Abraham and Isaac just before we left so I told everybody we ran into that she was my sister. I didn't let anybody take her home with them but it did free me up for a lot of flirting with the cute redheaded waitress at the seafood restaurant.
I had read all about Moses wandering around in the desert for 40 years just before we left home. Imitating Moses came easily. I don't like to stop and ask for directions, either, although I did try to talk to a young lady that was the spitting image of what I envisioned Tamar to look like, when I read the story about her and Judah.
We found our way back to the condo by bedtime -- without "Tamar's" assistance.
The second night we were at the beach, I got in real trouble. Right after I had been reading about David and Bathsheba in the Gideon Bible by my bedside, Lisa caught me on the upstairs balcony and made me take my binoculars back to the store the next day.
I couldn't wait to get to the Song of Solomon, but it was not to be.
When we got home, my wife suggested that I put the Old Testament aside and do my emulating in the New Testament for a while. That's why when the preacher came to visit last Saturday he caught me trying to turn water into wine. I didn't have much luck, but, fortunately, my friends, Greg and Jennifer Hauck, who own Hauck Cellars, in the Sonoma Valley of California, have been very successful using grapes, and are good to share.
I am pretty sure that the little wine incident was the last straw and Lisa has formally put an end to the grand experiment for now and is willing to just let me be me.
At least I hope so. As I was getting ready for bed Sunday night, I noticed that she had written one more verse of Scripture on my bathroom mirror, in lipstick. The verse was Matthew 27:5. I immediately looked it up. "And Judas gave back all the money and went out and hanged himself." That's a paraphrase, understand.
I'm pretty sure she was just kidding, but just in case, I am going back to acting like the guys in "Need Two." It's a lot less risque than the Bible.
Darrell Huckaby is a local educator and author. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. For past columns, visit www.rockdalecitizen.com or www.newtoncitizen.com.