Here's how I'd fill the stockings of a few celebs
According to legend, Santa Claus is hunkered down at the North Pole, checking his list -- twice, if you can believe what you hear on the radio -- to find out who has been naughty and who has been nice, which reminds me of the time during my teen years when I told the mall Santa that all I wanted was a peek at his list of naughty girls from my area.
Santa was not amused. I got a bundle of switches that year.
I have forgiven the jolly old elf, however, and to prove it I have decided to help him out with a few last-minute gift ideas for some of the folks we've been lampooning in the news over the past few months. I won't make any judgments as to behavior. The list is lengthy, so I'll have at it.
My first gift would go to the president of the United States. I think St. Nick should bring him a brand new TelePrompTer because the stuff he's been reading off that old one -- well, it doesn't seem to be working all that well. And speaking of politics, just to show that I am an equal opportunity offender, I would give Texas Gov. Rick Perry a clue, because he obviously doesn't have one, and I'd give Mitt Romney a pacifier to stick in his mouth, instead of his foot.
I would love it if Santa gave the Kardashians a gentle reminder that their 15 minutes of fame is over. I would love for them to take Lindsay Lohan with them as they left the spotlight. Failing that, give the poor child some clothes, to cover up that bony body and a dozen Krispy Kremes -- or something to fatten her up a little.
Delving into the world of sports, which is a world in which I spend a lot of my time, I think my Tech friends would appreciate Kris Kringle bringing coaching genius Paul Johnson a crystal ball so he would never again ice a field goal specialist who is about to badly shank a kick. He could glance at it on those fourth and one calls, too. I would selfishly ask him to bring Mark Richt a stress free off-season, because if anyone needs one of those it is him.
And I would suggest giving the NBA a few more months off. I mean, really. Does anyone actually miss those guys? And for Timmy Tebow -- I bet Santa has one of Superman's old capes lying around somewhere. I think he's earned one.
My daddy used to tell me that drinking black coffee would put hair on my chest. I bet Justin Bieber would appreciate his own Mr. Coffee machine. I think he got a Snuggie last year so he's probably pretty set for lounging around the house. I might suggest one of those handy dandy stop watches, too, because 30 seconds just isn't very long.
I would like to suggest a gift for Casey Anthony, but a judge and jury didn't give her what she deserved so I doubt Santa Claus would either. The jury is still out on Jerry Sandusky, but it is looking more and more like a lump of coal for the former Penn State assistant coach. And Santa will have a little extra room in that sleigh as it crosses the Middle East because he won't have to waste any room with presents for Moammar Gadhafi or Osama Bin Laden. And I think he should bring Navy Seal team 6 whatever the heck they want.
Gift certificates are popular these days, and I can think of a few celebs that might appreciate a gift card or two. Robert Pattinson, for instance -- he's the guy that leads the vampire team in the "Twilight" saga (ask a teenaged girl) -- could benefit from a visit to my dentist, Cary Leonard. She could file those fangs down and change that guy's whole life. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's personal physician, could use a "get out of jail free" card if there are any leftover when Santa packs Donald Trump's newest Monopoly game.
Truett Cathy? A great big steak. He's got to be getting tired of chicken.
And for John Q. Public? Some could use a sense of humor because there are an awful lot of folks out there who need to take a deep breath -- inhale. Life is far too short to sweat the small stuff and, quite frankly, when we get right down to it -- most of it is small stuff.
What, you might ask, is on my list? All I want for Christmas is another Christmas. I hope yours is merry and if you have a list to check you have about 11 more days.
Darrell Huckaby will be signing his books Thursday night at Spires, on the Square in Covington, from 5 to 8 p.m.