(Author's note: The following was found in the dustbin outside a certain British author's home, then smuggled into the U.S. by a pair of Wiccans disguised as University of Florida football fans.)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Scene I: The Dursleys'
Aunt Petunia: Here's your supper, boy. Moldy bread and a glass of curdled milk.
Harry: (turns Aunt Petunia into a donkey)
Uncle Vernon: That does it! Now you'll be expelled from that school of yours!
Dumbledore: (appearing out of nowhere) Good day! I say, Petunia, you're looking rather well.
Harry: I performed underage magic, Professor. Now they say I'll be expelled.
Dumbledore: Ha, ha! Don't worry, Harry. The rules have never applied to you, now have they? Come along. (He and Harry vanish.)
Scene II: The Weasleys' house
Hermione: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)
Ginny: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)
Fleur Delacour: Oh, 'Arry! (hugs him)
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)
Ron: Good grief.
Scene III: Hogwarts Express
Malfoy: Hello, Potter. I loathe everything about you.
Harry: Hello, Malfoy. I loathe everything about you, too. This year Gryffindor will annihilate Slytherin and take the Quidditch Cup.
Malfoy: Perhaps. But I won't care because I'm involved in a plot to kill Dumbledore. Oops! (he covers his mouth).
Harry: (to himself) There's something suspicious going on here.
Scene IV: Hogwarts School
Snape: I loathe you, Harry Potter.
Harry: I loathe you, too, Professor. I'm certain that you're a Death Eater in the service of Lord Voldemort. Also, Alice Cooper called. He wants his hair back.
Snape: Why, you sniveling little toad. A week's detention!
Scene V: Atop the Astronomy tower at Hogwarts School
Dumbledore: So you see, Harry, Professor Snape was in love with your mother. He would never harm you. Nor is he plotting to kill me.
Snape: (suddenly appearing) Avada Kadavra! (kills Dumbledore)
Harry: I'll kill you, Snape! (He and Snape duel. Snape escapes.)
Scene VI: Dumbledore's funeral on the grounds at Hogwarts
Hagrid: (sobbing into large handkerchief) 'E was a great man, Dumbledore!
Harry: I'll get that Severus Snape if it's the last thing I do.
Ron: What's for lunch?
Scene VII: Hogsmeade Station
Harry: Well, this is it. I won't be back at school next year. I'll be hunting Severus Snape and Lord Voldemort to the ends of the earth, or at least the English countryside.
Ron: Can I have your bed?
Hermione: (elbowing Ron) Don't be such a prat. We're going with him.
Harry: I can't ask you to do that. Besides, I might not get all the glory.
Hermione: Oh, Harry, you're so good and brave and cute and you have great abs! I would certainly be in love with you if that awful Rowling woman hadn't inexplicably decided that I'm in love with this stupid red-headed git (points to Ron).
Ron: Are you going to eat that Chocolate Frog?