Newton Citizen

(Author's note: The following was found in the dustbin outside a certain British author's home, then smuggled into the U.S. by a pair of Wiccans disguised as University of Florida football fans.)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Scene I: The Dursleys'

Aunt Petunia: Here's your supper, boy. Moldy bread and a glass of curdled milk.

Harry: (turns Aunt Petunia into a donkey)

Uncle Vernon: That does it! Now you'll be expelled from that school of yours!

Dumbledore: (appearing out of nowhere) Good day! I say, Petunia, you're looking rather well.

Harry: I performed underage magic, Professor. Now they say I'll be expelled.

Dumbledore: Ha, ha! Don't worry, Harry. The rules have never applied to you, now have they? Come along. (He and Harry vanish.)

Scene II: The Weasleys' house

Hermione: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)

Ginny: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)

Fleur Delacour: Oh, 'Arry! (hugs him)

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Harry! (hugs him)

Ron: Good grief.

Scene III: Hogwarts Express

Malfoy: Hello, Potter. I loathe everything about you.

Harry: Hello, Malfoy. I loathe everything about you, too. This year Gryffindor will annihilate Slytherin and take the Quidditch Cup.

Malfoy: Perhaps. But I won't care because I'm involved in a plot to kill Dumbledore. Oops! (he covers his mouth).

Harry: (to himself) There's something suspicious going on here.

Scene IV: Hogwarts School

Snape: I loathe you, Harry Potter.

Harry: I loathe you, too, Professor. I'm certain that you're a Death Eater in the service of Lord Voldemort. Also, Alice Cooper called. He wants his hair back.

Snape: Why, you sniveling little toad. A week's detention!

Scene V: Atop the Astronomy tower at Hogwarts School

Dumbledore: So you see, Harry, Professor Snape was in love with your mother. He would never harm you. Nor is he plotting to kill me.

Snape: (suddenly appearing) Avada Kadavra! (kills Dumbledore)

Harry: I'll kill you, Snape! (He and Snape duel. Snape escapes.)

Scene VI: Dumbledore's funeral on the grounds at Hogwarts

Hagrid: (sobbing into large handkerchief) 'E was a great man, Dumbledore!

Harry: I'll get that Severus Snape if it's the last thing I do.

Ron: What's for lunch?

Scene VII: Hogsmeade Station

Harry: Well, this is it. I won't be back at school next year. I'll be hunting Severus Snape and Lord Voldemort to the ends of the earth, or at least the English countryside.

Ron: Can I have your bed?

Hermione: (elbowing Ron) Don't be such a prat. We're going with him.

Harry: I can't ask you to do that. Besides, I might not get all the glory.

Hermione: Oh, Harry, you're so good and brave and cute and you have great abs! I would certainly be in love with you if that awful Rowling woman hadn't inexplicably decided that I'm in love with this stupid red-headed git (points to Ron).

Ron: Are you going to eat that Chocolate Frog?