Rob Jenkins - Of dead hawks, chubby kids, and pot-smoking castaways

No less a philosopher than Theodore Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) once hypothesized that human beings may be little more than microbes on some giant's dust speck. Me, I sometimes wonder if we're not just a bunch of extras in a "Seinfeld" re-run.

You know the episode I'm talking about: "Bizarro Jerry," featuring four characters who look much like Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer but behave in un-Seinfeldian ways. "Jerry's" jokes are actually funny. "George" tells the truth. "Elaine" isn't neurotic and self-absorbed.

These days, that's what I see when I read the papers. Not self-absorption - although there's plenty of that, too - but a bizarro world in which normality seems to have been inverted.

Consider, for example, the professional golfer recently indicted after killing a bird with a golf ball. (Insert "birdie" joke here.)

Reportedly, Tripp Isenhour was making a golf video when a red-shouldered hawk began squawking loudly in a tree 75 yards away, interfering with taping. Isenhour proceeded to hit several balls toward the offending fowl in an attempt, he says, to make it fly away. Unfortunately, one of his shots struck and killed the hawk, which is on a list of federally-protected migratory birds.

Now, how do we know Isenhour is telling the truth and that he didn't mean to hit the hawk? Because he DID hit it, and because none of us has ever heard of Tripp Isenhour. If this were a man who could hit a bird with a golf ball at 75 yards, on purpose, don't you think we might know who he is? Heck, he'd be Tiger Woods - not that Tiger has ever, to my knowledge, used his God-given skills to abuse wildlife.

On a totally unrelated topic, the Georgia Senate recently passed a bill mandating obesity screening for all elementary school children. This bill is a political hot potato that raises several potentially sticky questions, such as: a) does the state legislature have the right to monitor children's weight? b) who's going to monitor legislators' weight? and c) should school cafeterias serve fries every day, or just most days?

Finally, completing my bizarro week in grand style, comes the news that Mary Ann has been arrested for drug possession. Yes, that Mary Ann, the sweet-natured, perky little castaway from Gilligan's Island, the one "nice boys" found more attractive than her sultrier hut-mate Ginger.

(I may be a generation late with this advice, but mothers: keep your daughters away from any guy who preferred Ginger. He's only looking for one thing: a way off the island.)

Now the 69-year-old Mary Ann (real name: Dawn Wells) is on probation in Idaho (Idaho!) for allegedly having marijuana (aka Mary Jane) in her car. And no, the car wasn't made of bamboo. Meanwhile, Ginger (real name: Tina Louise) writes children's books.

Just think of her as Dr. Seuss in a slinky dress.