0

Ric Latarski - New research gives all male couch potatoes hope

In my continuing effort to provide those bits and pieces of information that might have slipped past you, I have something to bring to the attention of my fellow males.

Just in case you missed this: a study that is appearing in the New England Journal of Medicine reveals that men who stare at women's breasts for at least 10 minutes a day reduce the chance of heart attack and stroke.

This study, conducted by German scientists, involved examining the health of 200 men over a five-year period.

It did not advise the number of women involved or how many men were run over by taxis because they were looking at something other than the traffic as they crossed the street.

The study revealed that staring at women's breasts for 10 minutes is equivalent to 30 minutes of aerobic exercise.

For the activity to have the most beneficial effect, the objects of the ogling must be what are considered "well endowed women," although the study did not specify if the product in question had to be the work of God or some enhanced version as the result of a plastic surgeon.

This would seem to be a very important and pertinent question, but like all guvmint studies, you can't think of everything.

The activity reportedly increases the heart pumping rate and improves overall blood circulation. It might also help the eyes, or at least encourage men to get eye examinations, but the study also did not mention this.

This study tells you two things. The first is that the grant program available for German scientists is a lot better than the one here in the states.

A lot of government grants here in the ol' U.S. of A. seem to go to studying how cocaine affects rats and why certain tree slugs don't thrive in cold weather. The German scientists clearly have a better grasp of what is important.

The second thing it tells you is that since all the rocket scientists left, the Germans have apparently really narrowed their field of research.

What this study also does is clear the way for men to institute what could be the most successful exercise program in the history of the world. With Christmas upon us, it would seem a gift subscription to Playboy can now take the place of a stationary bike or a treadmill.

We can now argue that while we are wadded up on the sofa watching the football game, we are also watching the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as part of our cardiovascular exercise.

We don't have to lie about looking through the Victoria Secret catalog claiming we are looking for gifts. Now we can say we are doing it for our hearts.

And we can claim that no matter where we are, we will continue to work on our overall health.

"What are you doing?" the wife says as you sit through three light changes watching the girls cross the street.

"I'm working out."

At this point, I'm not sure the activity would actually be considered good for a man's health, especially if she can pull the gearshift out of the transmission or happens to be in possession of a sharp object.

No doubt there will be some who will take umbrage at the nature of this research and question its results. I suspect this group will not include very many men.

It must be noted that at this point there has been no announcement of similar research involving women watching men. This should come as no surprise, and the health benefits of women watching men are generally recognized as minimal at best, although doctors agree that a hearty laugh caused from observing the absurd is good for you.

And it could be that the women being ogled who ultimately provide the most beneficial health results are the men's significant others. A word to the wise, fellows: this needs to be your story and you need to stick with it.

One can only wonder what the Germans will be studying next, but you have to admire the fact they are not, how shall we say, restraining themselves to routine subjects.

So in the interest of science, I want the German researchers to know I am available for their next study. At long as it does not involve tree slugs.